How do I mend a broken heart? My entire world has fall apart. How do I find hope in a brand new day, when the one I love has gone away? ♥

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Hi. What a day. Lol i don't even know how to continue this post. I was thinking about a lot of things, in church, on the way home, at home, during shower, after shower, when watching tv, after watching tv, having breakfast, after breakfast, basically almost all the time. Feeling like a piece of shit today, woke up 3 times in the middle of the night, luckily I managed to sleep after waking up. Stupid flu. Had a panadol soluble in the morning after breakfast,thank God it kept me going all morning in church. Parents left, for a few days retreat. I think I'm getting a fever, oh well I dont care. Embarrassed myself, by crying in front of mommy & both of my sisters, can't seem to control the tears. How paiseh. Lol. Why are decisions so hard to make? I'm pretty sure I made the one I thought was right, but nothing seems to go well. Depressing much. & it's super awkward telling ppl about this & how I feel. Hope I'll feel at least a little better when I express my feelings by writing it down. Will it? Dying soon bad flu,. Idk what to say anymore. Filling the wastepaper basket with tissues again. Craziness. 

Tried to free my mind. By sleeping. But I can't even shut my eyes for just 5 minutes, so many things were going through my mind at the same time. I've come to a point that I realized I've nobody. I let everybody around me down. The people who had faith that I wouldn't do such things to let them down. The people who are very important to me. The people whom I loved. I'm trying to make up to them, but seems like I'm only making things worst. Maybe, this post 's making people feel like I'm lacking of attention. But to be honest, I'd come to one point that I'd got nowhere to express. I can't possibly tell that to my mom, or anybody else. I'd turn to God, or to this, to make myself feel the least better.

Tissues & blankets are my friends now, lol. ( This sound so pathetic but oh well ) it's true I guess. I'm so lost. Honestly. Letting go is harder than I thought. I get so emotionally disturbed today. Why oh why. I'm really really tired, physically, mentally & emotionally. Idk what to do anymore. I just hope God will lead me & things will turn out perfectly fine. I'm disappointed with myself. Plain disappointment. 

Je t'aime, je l'espère, vous savez.

Xoxo,

Samantha.